titan45x's Xanga

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 01:44:48 GMT

If there was ever a picture to sum up a certain point of my life, in some roundabout, obscure, meaningless way....well this is it

Peace.

Three Eighty To The 101

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 05:40:06 GMT

It's weird to be at an age where you're...well, fighting age

Just two years ago you sit around in a parking lot with all your closest friends and you all look at each other confused by someone asking to bum a cigarette, and just 2 years later you might know something about this guy and the day he's having...and also have the cigarette to bum him. I guess that sounds ridiculous, or minute, but at the time I wonder if I would have been able to call it. It's not even really the cigarettes, that's just a metaphor for change.

Change is inevitable, but its always strange to be at an age where you can see it happen so clearly. And do we have control over it too? I look at the people I know and how fast and quickly they've transformed and wonder if it was a conscious effort or if they just let go. I always laughed at those LTJ songs about "leavin' town", but flying down an interstate 200 miles from home because you don't want to be home makes you kind of relate to it. Sometimes I hate Bridgewater. Or not even Bridgewater, but suburbia. Suburbia attitudes, suburbia people, suburbia life. Sometimes it feels too constricting and too clean and too perfect.

The only thing I've found that we're perfect at is imperfection, but its as if the people who built this town (and pretty much every lookalike town across America) were viciously denying it. The identical houses and streets, the nice cars, the business suits, this is a place where denying the possibility of perfection is almost a crime. Where giving it up and saying 'I don't want to be a successful businessman, or rich, or famous' is like some form of suicide. I know I'm still not grown up, but sometimes it feels like it. Like I'm struggling to grapple at all the immature parts of life because there won't be a chance in 2 years. It's like a giant hourglass, where the sand at the bottom can never go back to the top...everything, every second just slips into nostalgia.

I hate nostalgia because I love it so much. The times when life was shitty, and how it seems so perfect in my mind. I thought I missed high school when I graduated. I thought I would hate college. The truth was, high school was awful. My mind paints the prettiest pictures. As a filmmaker, its always a struggle to try and project what it's in your mind onto the screen. And you find that you can't. At least I can't anyway. Because it always paints that impossible picture, and I guess that's why its doomed to stay in the confines of your mind.

Sometimes I wonder if people we label "insane" are happier than we are. If they live in their delusions and dreams, what if those are delusions of a happy life? So are we better off than them, drudging in some miserable craphole trying to achieve that? I mean, I guess there's something to be said about reality and happiness, but sometimes I wonder.

So anyway, this getting really fucking long. And boring and ranty and la di da. When my dad gave me the cliche line about "college: it's the best years of your life", I first brushed it off. I mean, what the fuck is so special about being lonely and depressed (on your first day away from home) and having the guy next door play fucking Coldplay at full blast making you feel even more lonely and depressed because Chris fucking Martin loves singing about loneliness and depression? (tongue in cheek, I don't feel strongly about Coldplay, just like everything else).

But now I'm halfway through, and so far it has been. And that sometimes scares me alot. I mean, it's stupid to think about 4 years being the peak of your lifetime, but if it is, then what?

I guess the irony in all this is that change happens so fast, that in 2 more years I might not even be able to relate to this. Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love with suburbia. Right now, I'm pretty sure the guy I am know would totally kick the shit out of the guy I used to be. Sadly maybe even make fun of him. The guy I am now would probably beat the shit out of alot of forms of me, maybe even the toddler form, because he's a d-bag (joke!). But seriously, I wonder if I will get acclimated to the life of the people I see around me. If I'll look back at my days, like right now, and dismiss it as the ridiculous rantings of a 'lost' 19 year old.

And clean up and put on the suit and tie, halfheartedly talking to awkward teens nervously sitting behind a grocery store counter hoping I won't scream at them for bagging the fruits and breads together, all due to my neglect because I was too busy brokering some deal on my cellphone, which by the way by this point in the future will probably be able to unfold into my car, because its the future right?

And to that I say...fuck no! The guy I would be then would be tasked with my current mission of beating the shit out of the tool I might theoretically become...so in English that means I'd be Ed Norton in Fight Club, beating the everloving shit out of myself because I defined myself by material possession. Not that I don't do that now, but music and movies are a little more innocent than cars and couches. Hopefully?

I guess the thesis would be...fuck you, Vishal of the Future!

Peace.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Sat, 05 May 2007 05:49:03 GMT

Three papers, a bunch of finals, and a screening, and I'm done. One week until half of college ends...it's pretty crazy.

Peace

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Wed, 02 May 2007 01:21:26 GMT

College is a rollercoaster.

I dont claim to take anything for granted...I just wish I wouldn't sometimes. I still don't know what my place is, but the tumultous, unpredictable nature of day to day existence can be amazing one second and pathetically horrible the next. Sometimes you feel bad for what you don't have, but then worse for the things you forget you do have.

What do you do? Do you take everything seriously and set yourself up for disaster? Or do you say fuck everything and then get in trouble when you feel apathetic?

I guess its a tough choice. What I've learned this semester is that no one in an individual. I guess it feels better to understand how crazy people can be for thinking that they are the only ones who have ever gone through their struggle. Billions of people in the world? Cmon.

It's a weird place, and at a weird time in the semester too. College is coming to a close in a little over a week, and to end it on this note would be a shame. A week and half's worth of endless papers, classes, social issues, and anything else that life can through at you is enough to really drain a person. I just hope things turn around again.

I'm looking forward to the summer, but at the same time I also feel like I want to be here longer. It doesn't feel right to leave like this, where things seem so much more unfinished and out of place as compared to last year. But college doesn't leave time for you to tie up loose ends, or to fix problems, or to even be depressed. There's no time for anything at this point. All I can look forward to is a chance to relax over the summer.

Peace.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 01:02:29 GMT

Lighting ratio? Check.

Proper exposure? Check.

Framing? Check.

Depth of field? Check.

Camera movement? Check.

White balance? Check.

Guh, maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Or maybe worrying too much. Mehhhhhh.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 08:17:17 GMT

A lot of thoughts. A little lost.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 06:14:19 GMT

Guitar Hero 2 owns my life.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 10:47:21 GMT

And so the break ends again...and oddly enough, like at the end of winter break last year, I am at the same point in my life...

...hoping that the Patriots will choke in a wave of impenetrable suck.

Unlike last year however, I am familiar with the band Super Furry Animals and am obsessively listening to the song "It's Not The End Of The World(?)". I'm also blasting Demetri Martin's new CD, which is hilarious ("In checkers, one guy on top of another guy is a king. Life has taught me that that's a queen")

Reflecting on break though, it was alot of fun, although alot quieter than last year's winter break. I think the novelty of having a month off from school kind of wore off a bit after freshman year (although the necessity certainly hasn't). Soccer, Hockey, Winning Eleven (aka virtual soccer) and a crapload more doesn't ever really get boring. A drunk new years where the ball dropping was a minor distraction and Mr. Whats-His-Face on ABC making out with some chick in the first moments of 2007. All good times.

It's rather odd how much the course of my next semester changed in just a few hours. I was dreading being a film major without any formal production classes in a year, but all of a sudden I am going to have to make a stop motion piece, write a full-length screenplay, and possibly make a documentary all in the same semester.

...let's hope they don't choke in a wave of impenetrable suck.

and if they do....at least its not the end of the world.

Peace.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 06:47:14 GMT

Children of Men...incredible.

I want to make movies hardcore now. Gotta love a film like that.

Also, white dudes with dreadlocks...never to be trusted.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 23:55:28 GMT

Feck.

All B's in college. Not bad.